36 Years & 36 Ways

Good Morning, 36 Tips for Staying Married 36 Years.

Son Michael suggested this so, I will give it a shot.  Since Jeanie and I celebrated our 36^th year of marriage, I guess he thought I might have some suggestions.  I do not profess to be an authority on marriage or what makes it work, so please take the following as just my observations of our relationship and has worked for us.

Ladies please note that these are from a man’s perspective and therefore may have that slant on occasion.

Also these are listed in no particular order, while I suppose the ones at the top are the first ones I came up with.

1. “Marry your best friend”.  At least someone to whom you are friends, because friends accept you for who you are.  Then make them your BFF.
2. “Take some time to get to know one-another”.  No need to rush it, for you should be married for a very long time.  That is of course unless you are in the winter of your years and then there are “no rules”.
3. “Once married do not try to change your partner”.  This will only cause strife.  You better like them before making that life-long commitment.  Change has to come from within and while your partner may alter their ways, it won’t be until they embrace from within those changes will they really happen.  In the mean-time resentment can build for lack of acceptance from you.
4. “Respect one another… always”.  Take a moment and think how you would like to be treated, before you act or say something demeaning.
5. “Listen to what she says and do not try to fix it”.  If you are a man… that may be difficult to do, but only offer advice if asked; “What would you do?”
6. “State your needs clearly”.  If you are a woman… remember that men are not good a guessing games especially when it comes to women and they will usually get it wrong.  The direct approach is usually the best.
7. “Chivalry is not dead”.  If you are a man, then always treat your spouse like a lady.  Open doors for her.  Voluntarily offer assistance.   Even do this for strangers, as it is good practice.
8. “Thank each other for the little things”.  A good meal, clean clothes, clean house, wise shopping and a multitude of other things too numerous to mention.  It is the recognition for an effort that is important here.  We all want to be appreciated and this is one way to show it.
9. “Never embarrass your partner”.  This goes for in public and in private.  We remember how someone made us feel more than what is said.  Those kinds of things can stick around for a while and undermine a good relationship.
10. “Thank them for marrying you”.  Ok, so that may be difficult for a few, but it is like giving your vows all over again, but without the expensive ceremony.  And it is not just for anniversaries either.  Much better over a quiet dinner or side by side in bed after an especially long day.
11. “Keep it dynamic.”  Every day, in some little way we change.  Whether it is a like, dislike, physical, opinion or fetish.  Double that and it can over time be significant.  We all have heard the saying, “You are not the person I married”.  That is usually true and if you haven’t adjusted the relationship to fit the changes, then you are headed for “rough waters”.
12. “Seek Professional Counseling”.  I am suspicious of a marriage when someone says, “we have never had an argument”.  Yah right, like that will happen.  Do not go into a marriage thinking it is going to be a Rose Garden, for it is that kind of expectation that will bring devastating effects later in your marriage.  This could be the reason that second marriages seem to work out better.  We know what to expect and how to handle what comes up much better after we have screwed up a few times.  If something seems insurmountable, well then seek someone that can advise you both.  You cannot fix just one side of a disagreement.  It almost always requires compromise from both sides.
13. “Separate if needed”.  Ok so you have come to this “great divide” and need to gain some perspective.  Do not jump into a divorce, but instead make some breathing room.  There is nothing like waking up in the morning by yourself in a quiet apartment to give you time to evaluate your relationship.  Sometimes it only takes a few nights in a hotel.  See #11.  I am not advocating sticking around if there is any kind of physical or mental abuse going on.  That is a big red flag and needs to be dealt with professionally.  The “Best Friend” thing doesn’t exist any longer in that case.
14. “Support each others dreams”.  We all have dreams and aspirations.  You may have shared some of those while courting.  Help your partner to achieve them.  Could be an education left unfinished, a dream of owning your own business or building a house.  Maybe climbing a mountain or running a marathon, who knows, but that is what best friends do.  Sure, there is usually some sacrifice involved, but the rewards can be much greater.
15. “Tough Love”.  There will be times when you have to take a stand.  When things are turning out badly and the only way to save the relationship is to take some drastic action.  Intervention can become a “do or die” scenario and scary as well.  Remember you are saving your partner for life and even sometimes their life as well.  Do whatever it takes, as that is after all, the vow you took when you married.
16. “Be willing to compromise”.  Sometimes this is not easy when we really had your heart set on a certain outcome.  Crank up the empathy and try to see things from both sides.  This can be about pets, colors of a car, or even as simple as where to eat.  The outcome may just turn out better than you expected.
17. “Have Children”.  If you both want to that is.  Just remember they are not like pets and will most likely be around for the rest of your life.  At the very least, that is the way it is scripted.  They can bring great joy as well as great sorrow, great pride and great angst.  It is a “Pot Luck” with kids and the best you can do, is the best you can do without an owner’s manual.  There is of course, a huge drive to keep your relationship together when there are kids involved.  There is of course the fun of making them as well.
18. “Put your partner first”.  You will always receive if you give.  If you don’t, then something is lop-sided and needs to be addressed.  It is not sub-servant to do this, as it shows your partner how much you care in little ways.
19. “Flowers”.  If you are a man, then it is important to remember flowers.  I’m not talking so much about special occasions like Wedding Anniversaries, Mothers Day, Valentines Day and the like, but the “No Special Day” ones when they least expect it.  The ones that say “I Love You” and nobody dictated that I was suppose to do this.  If you are a woman, maybe it could be a special meal or something you know he would like and it doesn’t have to be sex.  Although…
20. “A card in the luggage”.  Hide a card in the luggage when your spouse is traveling, just to let them know you will miss them.  It is a reminder of why they are traveling if for work and if for pleasure, well maybe you should be there as well.
21. “Sex” Yah Sex.  It is the most intimate you can be with your partner.  The most fun you can have without laughing.  Sharing some of the most basic feelings in life and of course DNA as well.  There was a study that showed couples with a healthy sex life were also much healthier.  Sharing the good hugs, bugs and exercise I would suspect.  Remember good men come last.
22. “Remember favorite colors & sizes”.  Sounds trite maybe, but colors have a big influence on how we feel and perceive things.  Probably more so in women than men, but something you should be aware of just the same.  You may be in a situation to pick out something for your partner and not know which color or size to choose.  It could have an impact on how it is received.
23. “Forsake all others”.  This is critical in a good relationship.  You will always find some friends and family that may not embrace your relationship as much as you do.  When this happens you must distance yourself from the negativity and focus on why the two of you found each other.  After all, it is your choices that are the most important and not what other people think.  They are only looking at the relationship from the outside in.  Granted, “Love is Blind”, but you still are at choice as to what you do.
24. “About money”.  One of the biggest issues facing married couples can be money.  Either the lack of it, or having too much.  Lack of enough money to get by can cause stress in a marriage, but can also bring couples together if they work for a common purpose.  It is when you have just enough to get by and your partner spends too much that issues arise.   Likewise having too much, while it may seem to be the panacea to your problems, has a dark side.  Couples can focus too much on the “material” and less on the “spiritual” part of the relationship and before you know it, inanimate objects creating a wall from each other can surround you.  Money 1 – relationship 0.
25. “Managing money”.  It is important to find a mutual ground from which to work on your finances.  Everyone has a different take on how money should be handled.  Ultimately it is important that you work together to achieve security in the relationship.  Make some, spend less and plan for the future when you no longer make it.  Remember that you are a team in this and what one does affects the other.
26. “Communication”.  Ah yes, I call it keeping the weeds and interlopers out of the garden.  Staying on top of current events in the life of your partner is essential.  If you won’t listen, then there is always someone out there that will.  This is especially true of couples that work outside of the home.  Constantly surrounded by influences from co-workers that have little empathy for your relationship and can plant seeds that cause you to drift apart.
27. “Be aware of changes”.  Abrupt changes in your partner can signal unhappiness that is not being shared or communicated.  Rapid weight loss when the two of you are not doing it together.  Sudden attention to personal appearance, exercise programs or excessive work hours.  These could add up to a shift in the relationship you were not expecting.
28. “Religion or belief system”.  It is naturally much easier in a relationship and marriage when a couple share the same spiritual beliefs.  That is not always the case and when that is the situation it is important to remember that our relationship with God, a Higher Power or not, is a very personal thing.  It is something we should not be cajoled into just to placate another’s belief.  There should be a mutual respect maintained without criticism of our partner’s “happy place”.
29. “Separate but together”.  It is not just religion, but all aspects of ones personality that needs to be respected and appreciated.  There is a reason you were attracted to this person and it better be for more than sex.  Do not smother your partner, but help them grow and thrive for they are you life investment.  They should be with you because you are the best thing they have ever known and are confident in your love for them.
30. “Opposites attract”.  We have heard it many times, “Opposites Attract” and it tends to be true, no more so than after a broken marriage.  We look for things we are not and opposite of what we had.  The important thing is that those traits can also be the very things we try to change.  Remember that if you do not have these characteristics in your personality, then you can be a fuller person by embracing them.  Work to create a synergy with your partner and you will achieve a sum greater than it’s parts.
31. “Remember Dates”.  I’m not talking about the ones when you were single here, but your partner’s birthday, your anniversary, sobriety and dates of that nature.  Use whatever means you need to.  With all of the electronic helpers these days, there can be no excuse.  Then recognize them.  For men, the very fact that you do can go a long way.  You can be sure that she will… that and so much more.
32. “Look out for Number One”.  Take care of yourself, for if you don’t, you will be of little good to anyone else you care for.  Spouse, children, family and friends included.
33. “Recognize signs of endearment”.  With men it can be as simple as fixing something around the house as a show of affection.  With women it can be a little extra effort to make their man look and smell good.  It is the little things that add up to make the big thing.
34. “Choose your battles”.  There are some things that are just not worth getting your knickers in a twist over.  A little dent on the car that suddenly appears, skid marks in the underwear, a broken drinking glass or plate.  They are all part of life that happens.  Have a short memory, get over it and get on with the important things.
35. “Let the kid out”.  It is ok to be a kid now and then.  Act a little stupid, play some, tickle, kid, joke and whatever else is spontaneous in the moment.  You won’t be able to do it in the coffin.
36. “Always, always remember to say “I Love You”.  Just three little words, but so important to reinforce the relationship.  Almost perfunctory, but should never be taken for granted.

Well that’s all folks!

Love, Dad