Good Morning,
It has been over a month since I have posted something on my blog or written a letter to the kids. One would think that with so much going on in my life right now, there would be plenty to write about. Well I suppose there is lots of fodder for the creative, when things get interesting. The problem with me seems to be that when things get complicated, I tend to withdraw within (my cave), prefer to remain silent and just think things through. It probably would be better if I did solicit advice from others or at the very least talk things through. The downside I see with that is, things can get even more complicated with others involved and especially when I don’t take their advice. Then…there can be the ol’ “I told you so” to deal with, stacked on top of everything else and one more thing on this pile of “stuff” to pitchfork off.
I’m pretty sure that much of my “writers block” is from all that we have had to deal with the last few months. Having so much on my mind does not leave much room for “free thinking” which is where creativity lives. Since June, shutting our business down wasn’t much fun and dealing with the creditors, debt and commitments left over, hasn’t been the best of times either. The loss of income from the business has also impacted Jeanie and I, created another whole scenario when dealing with our personal finances. The legalities of all of this have also consumed too much of my conscious time, what with dealing with attorneys, documents double spaced, line numbered and delivered late at night to my front door by strangers, suits to try and get “blood out of a turnip” and a plethora of other minutia, some imposed while others still to be revealed. Then there are the self-imposed feelings of failure, chagrin and broadside hits to my integrity skillfully administered by some whom I had considered friends. Maybe it is the unknown, which is the worst and having to constantly play different scenarios and outcomes, over and over again, as new information and new situations develop. I am one who likes to “Be Prepared”, a leftover from my scouting days and find that it is the fear of the unknown, which can be the worst. I do know that November 26th can come none too soon as we will have some resolve to this situation and can then start building again, albeit not exactly what I wanted to be doing a 65. I would much rather be on a Harley Trike taking a “road trip” with Jeanie or maybe just working on a new kinetic sculpture. Such is life I suppose, for I had learned a long time ago, there are no guarantees in this life other than we will not get out of it alive.
Maybe just putting this down in writing can in itself be cathartic and by sharing a bit, so as not to keep it all inside, will help with the “writers block”. It is difficult not to be cynical or carping when under stress of this nature and I do not want to be perceived as a “bitter old man” constantly bitching about things. There is too much good stuff out there to talk about. A good friend once told me the three most important things in life is “Attitude, Attitude, Attitude” and that can make all the difference when facing a challenge.
I look forward to the days of freedom and creativity again and maybe even a new “Steam Punk” clock… who knows!
Love, Dad
Writer’s Block Picture: Powell’s Books
Jon,
It’s funny how life turns out. Do you remember all the wonderful things we were taught in grade school of how society was going to be like in the “new” century? Turns out life is really a struggle for most of us as it has for all these centeuies. You will do fine. Knowing Michael,tells me a lot about you.
I too, will be playing the piano till I go to my next gig….where ever,whenever. I’m sure I’ll be found face first on a piano….
John
Jon,
I wish I had words to convey that would act as a soothing balm to you. Sometimes those words as you say come from friends who mean well, and feel more like a prickly cactus in your backside.
Life has certainties of this we can always be sure. The soul either searches for complete solace, or the opportunity to rebuild itself over and over again. Change is the husk being removed from the corn, the separation of the wheat from the chaff. As we grow older, we are wiser, even if we can’t admit it. The truth is plain to see, while the world turns and changes on a dime.
Somehow the creative urges are buried beneath the heap of reality sitting a mile high on top of us. Like Sisyphus we keep getting up every day and pushing that damned ball up the hill, rolling back down, pushing up the hill.
Many years ago I had the opportunity to get wiped out financially and truly by my own hand. I ran after a repo man driving my brand new blazer down the street with my purse still in it. 40 years old and out on the street screaming and crying. I promised myself change. There was a horror to that situation leaving me fearful, cautious and sometimes quite dangerously adept at tricking myself into other realities.
10 years taught me a lot. I grew a business, watched it crumble, rebuilt it during the first phase of the economic downturn and sank every bleeding dime into it. The vultures that came to feed on the remains were pretty scary.
What amazed me most, and what does now, something I’ve discussed with my brother over and over again, is that my value set changed completely. Once I accepted that, I started dreaming again. I no longer desired certain elements to the cause of rank capitalism that once obsessed my waking mind. The truth in that statement is more about accepting that at 50, it may not ever happen.
The balance in that is far different than I imagined in my starry eyed youth. But remember the dreaming Jon, always. Thats your steampunk clock. Fascination with time and gears is not a bad thing is it?
@John, Very well put and in so many ways I can relate to what you say. There are no guarantees and I know that. Life is what we make it and sometimes the road takes a turn when we least expect it. This too will pass and from it I will be better and have gained wisdom. I so want to see you play sometime, as I love the piano.
@Janet, I think you did very well with the soothing balm of your words. I always appreciate your insight and dimension on life. So much of what I believe that comes “from being there”. I appreciate your sharing experiences. This is how character is built. This is how and why it shows up in your “DNA”. I loved what we did in the business, it is just a shame that it could not survive for, there was great value, even if others did not recognize or reward us for it. Yes I have changed through this, and for the better, the metamorphosis continues.
Hopefully, someday, sometime, I will be found face first in a kinetic sculpture.
Thank you both. Jon