Good Morning,
Most of my 64 years of this life I have been married. That is 45 out of the 64, which looks to be about 70% of my life. Married at just 18 to Diana, amicably divorced at 30 and re-married again, just less than a year later, now at 64, I have been married to Jeanie for 33 years. Have those 45 married years been all easy, no way. Have they all been “blissful”? Nope, not that either. Have I handled every challenge in the relationships as well as I could have? I don’t think so. Did I handle them to the best of my understanding at the moment and of course influenced by the times and circumstances at hand? Probably. Because of this and having experienced the trappings that go along with it, I feel that I can at least comment on the subject.
Having been divorced 1-1/2 times (didn’t finish the second) and having gone through the emotional trauma that accompanies that decision, I have found that even in the best of congenial separations, it becomes very difficult to come to terms with the circumstances, imposed self doubts and underlying motivations, especially when the inevitable emotions and accompanying guilt for causing “heartfelt pain” to your spouse and children if you have them, surreptitiously invade those quiet times when you are alone.
You have separated and alone now in your space… in that almost surrealistic quiet… when you used to be with someone… now something seems to be missing. Well, of course it is! Even if it wasn’t perfect, at least you weren’t this alone… this quiet. It is what you wanted after all, this “fresh start”, this cleansing of your routine and the forging of a new set of norms. It was that finally overwhelming desire to not have to deal with the drama that the “other life” continued to perpetuate. Not having to “keep the face” while continually altering your persona in an effort to “keep the peace” and the decorous “perfect couple” presentation to friends. But most of all, to hide it from the kids. Coo Coo Ca Choo.
Maybe if you fought all the time, or if your spouse were abusive, this would be easier, but not this complacency, which is harder to define. Maybe if they found someone else it would be easier, for at least you would have a reason to be angry. At least there would be “sanctuary” in being alone. And of course sympathy from friends, let’s not forget that. Maybe even in the tacit battle that will inevitably ensue for mutual friends, you will win a few and others will fade away quietly. They always do for friends will do what is best for them on the long run. “It is what it is.”
Then… while things are still quiet, in march the “Maybe IfI Brothers” ready to really mess things up… Maybe if I had tried a little harder to make it work we would have made it through this time. Maybe if I really tried to change to be more like what “they wanted” in a partner; we wouldn’t be where we are today. Maybe if I took better care of myself… Maybe… Maybe…
The Maybe IfIs are just part of the process of separation and one more hurdle to clear on the road to once again “Single Hood”. It is times like that, which can cloud the very reasons for separating in the first place. The odds are stacked against you if you get back together for it will always be in the back of your mind, “the next time”. It makes it that much more difficult to make the commitment so necessary for a life-long relationship.
If there is one thing I have learned over these years is that YOU cannot change YOUR spouse. Going into a relationship expecting your mate to change is unrealistic. They have to do that themselves, if there is any hope of the change sticking. You had better like them for who they are now. Will your spouse change during your relationship? Expect it, just like they should expect you to change as well. It just may not be the way you may expect or even want, that happens. If you can understand and communicate the reasons for change and in that process, accept them and adjust accordingly, then you have dodged one more bullet that could prove fatal to the relationship. Just remember that some changes are for the better for the individual and necessary for their happiness. If it is not conducive to the relationship, well you either deal with it or it deals with you.
Bottom line… there will be change in every relationship so expect it. There will be differences, so expect it. There will be other opportunities that come along, anticipate them. Common core values are the best you can expect to remain over the years. Then, how you respond to them when they come along… and they will, well that will make all the difference in which road you take.
You will never know which one was better, as there is no way to travel both roads at the same time.
Therefore, you must follow your heart.
Love, Dad