Good Morning,
I consider myself pretty lucky, in a lot of ways actually and in recognition of such events when they occur, I have a little phrase I like to say. “I’d rather be lucky than good lookin’’. This is not to be confused with “I’d rather be lucky than good”…although I suppose in some ways they could mean the same thing. But, I prefer mine because it has an air of self-deprecation, which when you are large, and I do consider myself large, (6’-3” & 300#) it helps to engender a sense of easiness in those around you at the time.
I had a “mini-epiphany”, if there is such a thing, some years ago when I stood next to large person who was taller and bigger than myself. When I say bigger, I mean larger in statue and not necessarily heavier. As I remember this person wasn’t very nice and used their size to intimidate along with their demeanor. This feeling was for me, and I’m sure others, uncomfortable and oppressive. It was at that very moment-in-time when I
realized that I could unknowingly have the same affect on others, smaller than myself, if I was not cognizant of my countenance. While I do not remember the date, I do remember the place and how I felt at the time, giving credence to the saying, “People may not always remember what you say or did, but they will always remember how you made them feel”. (Author Unknown)
Anyway, back to the “lucky” part. It is well known within our family that I consider myself lucky to have preserved the relationship of my first spouse and the good memories of those years. However, I cannot and will not take full credit for this, as it required a “mature” effort on both sides of the relationship to accomplish and a constant vigilance of emotion that could have derailed the effort. The desire to preserve the good parts of the relationship and to forget the bad, allowed us to retain the special halcyon memories of our youth together and the discovery of our own personalities as they developed. I’m certain that we were married before we had really developed and that eventually caught up with us. I think because we chose to focus on raising our children as independent, yet co-supportive parents, helped preserve the relationship as well.
So, the lucky part…we didn’t try to “kill” each other or burden one another with fighting over personal possessions, making only the attorneys fat in the wallet, or all of the other trappings that can arise out of “splitting the sheets” in an effort to inflict as much acrimony on the other person as possible. No “War of the Roses” here and I’m grateful for that. Because of that and a mature approach, I didn’t have to suffer the vapid hollowness left inside once the malevolence and vengeance had been inflicted.
Holding a grudge and keeping it alive only works to eat away at the holder much like an acid on metal consuming valuable and irreplaceable moments in time and wasted emotion. Sometimes even causing us miss the opportunities for a better life, while we are distracted and focusing on the past maintaining the role as a victim. It was important to realize that it takes two to maintain a relationship and the failure is rarely the cause of just one. We may need only to objectively look in the mirror to see some of the reasons. People change likes, dislikes and beliefs everyday in a relationship and along with that, their needs as well. A failure to recognize this and maintain that lucid understanding, will eventually lead to a point when it not longer works. I believe that not every marriage can or will be successful and maybe the very best we can hope for sometimes is to end up with a friend with whom we have known intimacy and shared part of our life journey.
So, because of that outcome in my life…I’m lucky. “Hey, I’d rather be lucky than good lookin’!”
Love, Dad
I suppose you wonder what the red and white rose icons have to do with all of this…well there was another “War of the Roses” in the 1400s. I thought the icons were pretty cool.